Passover

This Passover has been a different one, this is for sure. But this holiday always reminds me to be happy for what I have, and to stop focusing on what I don't have.

I'm thankful I have a beautiful and healthy little girl, one that keeps me smiling and laughing (if you didn't know, I have the best baby in the world, NO BIG DEAL)

I'm thankful that I have a beautiful little sister that is about to set out on the biggest journey of her life, and I'm so proud of all that she has done to get there.

I'm thankful for my incredible father, who like my sister is about to set out on a journey of his own, and even though he'll be far away I'm unbelievably proud that he is able to follow his dreams.

I'm thankful for my grandparents, that even though the both of them have been gone for a month now, that they are able to be together, wherever they are.

I'm thankful that G-d let them go together, and peacefully. They lived a glorious, beautiful, and long life.

I'm thankful for the opportunities in my own life, the chance to move to a new country and improve on my career and education to hopefully make my own daughter proud of me.

I'm thankful that my daughter's family in New Zealand was able to survive the devastation of the Christchurch earthquake.

I'm thankful that my cousins fighting for revolution in Yemen are safe, at least today, and that their hard work will hopefully be paying off soon.

And most of all, I am thankful for the beautiful and incredible man I had in my life, and that last month on our one year anniversary I was able to have my daughter on my lap as we blew out your birthday candle and shared the top tier of our wedding cake, and I am thankful for my beautiful and strong mother that was able to raise me to be who I am today, hopefully half as strong as she was.

Yes, this summer will be the beginning of some new adventures. I'm moving to Brussels, my sister is moving to Rolle, Switzerland to go to one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the world, my father is moving to Florida to become one of the head pastry chefs at the Disneyworld resort. It's going to be hard, for me probably the most, but I'm unbelievably proud of the three of us, I have to say...That almost a year later we will be picking up the pieces of our broken hearts and starting over in a new place, where nobody knows us. We'll all make it, and we'll always come back to Paris together I am sure.

By this time next year, I hope to have reached my five goals:
1. Forgive myself for not protecting my children.

2. Sleep at night peacefully again without being overcome with loneliness.

3. Be able to look at a picture of Jacob without staring and crying.

4. Make sure Avélaine is never, ever surrounded by bad energy.

5. Learn to love again.

P.S. Sorry for dropping off the edge of the earth...again...

Baby Bathtime!

Vaka wanted to see a picture of little miss Avélaine, and it failed to be put in an e-mail so I figured I'd post it here, and maybe more in the future since I have a million on my camera that need to be put on the computer.

Sorry if that ends up being ridiculously big, whoops.
Miette turned five months old a few days ago...craziness. And as you can see by her chubby little cheeks, she's developing super well :) Can you believe that in a little over a month I would have been celebrating my year anniversary and the year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant? Like, waaa? didn't that happen yesterday? Geez. Time flies. I've been reading old blog posts and they just bring so many memories back, the good, the bad and the ugly. I feel like nobody reads my blog but that I should write on it anyways to keep these little moments saved forever.

just when the pain eases up a bit...

I find out one of the most important people in my life has been keeping a secret.
HIV positive. Never thought about it much. Now it's all I can think about.

pray this DOESN'T happen

http://www.citizen.co.za/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=129564&catid=29:world-news&Itemid=53

my dove flew away yesterday.

"“Jonas, Jonas,” they would say loudly, as they had once said the name of Caleb. The Giver would lead the chant. Together they would let Jonas’s presence in their lives fade away as they said his name in unison more slowly, softer and softer, until he was disappearing from them, until he was no more than an occasional murmur and then, by the end of the long day, gone forever, not to be mentioned again.

Behind him, across the vast distances of space and time, from the place he had left, he thought he heard music too.
But perhaps it was only an echo."
-The Giver

Seconds before he passed away, with my hand on Jonas's head, he looked at me and smiled as he closed his eyes. I hope he felt his body become strong, and saw his Daddy's arm's outstretched towards him. Don't worry, baby. I'll never forget you for a second.

The doctor's were always amazed at Jonas's response to sound. It's his special song now. I chose this version because this little boy voice reminds me of him, almost as if he's singing to me...




taking some time off. then it's time for me to do a huge life change.

i know i said i wouldn't blog anymore

but PLEASE pray for my little Jonas. Pray for a recovery from his latest brain bleed. Please. A world without my sweet little boy is just no world at all. He has a beautiful life ahead of him that he needs to have. Thank you.

Au Revoir.

My life has been insane lately, and I only see it getting crazier in the future.
I can already tell that I won't have any time to blog anymore. Finding time to even check my email is beginning to be a struggle.

Thank you for listening to my vents since I started this thing. My hopes, dreams, and thoughts have all spilled out into my little blog and it's been really fun. I'll check in every so often but for now I'm saying good-bye to blogging.

I never thought my fabulous destiny would involve all that it has, but i'm ready to see what else is in store for me and my family.

Shalom,
Amélie

P.S. Happy Rosh Hashanah :)