It's been a lonnnng day.
After I went to the hospital to visit the little ones, and even though i'm still supposed to relax from the c-section i had no other choice but to move today. I moved into Angélique's old room, she took my parents, and Jeffrey gets the spare bedroom. My dad is moving to Scotland he decided a few weeks ago, so now I am in charge of the bakery. I'm a little nervous for this but i've been working there since I was a teenager so i'm hoping I can keep everything under control and get respect from the bakers and other employees. I'm also nervous about being Angélique's guardian. I'm afraid it will be hard to strike a balance between being her sister and being her mother figure. I also really need to buckle down and getting working on her Bat Mitzvah. So much stuff to do.
I'm so exhausted right now, goodnight.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
just woke up, feeling peaceful.
All these quotes are so beautiful!
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book....."Too beautiful for earth."
"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too precious to forget!"
Baby A became Jonas Léon Armand, Jonas for starting with a J and having five letters like Jacob, and the fact that it means "dove" a sign for peace. Just before Jacob died he had finally read The Giver, which made him fall in love with this name. Léon and Armand are for my wonderful grandfather and father. I particularly like that Léon means lion, a fierce and strong animal like Jonas. His Hebrew name is Feivel Shlomo. I always knew I would have a little Feivel, and I'm so happy it is him. He is believed to have Cerebral Palsy which I am more than prepared to handle. I love him so much.
Baby B, my beautiful angel baby, became Ysaline Ekaterina Mathilde. (ee-zah-LEEN) Before Jacob died I was really trying to crack down on naming these babies, I gave him the Meilleurs Prenoms book and told him to make a list of his top 10 favourite girls names. When I found the list after he died it looked like this:
FAV. GIRLS NAMES
1. Ysaline
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
So, she was named by him.
Before Jacob died, we had been trying to find out about his European family that he had no information about. We came across this lady, named Zosia Ekaterina. After he died I uncovered more info about her. She was a relative of Jacob's that housed people during the Holocaust, not just Jews, but gypsies, and homosexuals, and anyone that the Nazis were after. Katia, as she was called, was a savior. Just like my little girl is my savior. So, there was nothing else to name her. Mathilde is for my beautiful Maman. Her Hebrew name is Erela Ahuviah ("angel" and "loved by God").
Baby C became Avelaine Shirin Anahira (shih-REEN). Avelaine was suggested by my mother before she died. It also means "nut" and Lainey has always been my little peanut. Shirin is for my grandmother, and Anahira is a Maori name meaning "angel" which can honor both auntie Angélique and Daddy.
I plan on her Hebrew name being Aviva Zlata. Aviva means life, which i hope with every fiber of my being that she can hang on to.
Words can't express how much I love my children and how much they inspire me. They are such fighters and they are my heroes! I miss Ysa so much but I feel as if she is in a better place with her Daddy.
Today is a brand new day.
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book....."Too beautiful for earth."
"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too precious to forget!"
Baby A became Jonas Léon Armand, Jonas for starting with a J and having five letters like Jacob, and the fact that it means "dove" a sign for peace. Just before Jacob died he had finally read The Giver, which made him fall in love with this name. Léon and Armand are for my wonderful grandfather and father. I particularly like that Léon means lion, a fierce and strong animal like Jonas. His Hebrew name is Feivel Shlomo. I always knew I would have a little Feivel, and I'm so happy it is him. He is believed to have Cerebral Palsy which I am more than prepared to handle. I love him so much.
Baby B, my beautiful angel baby, became Ysaline Ekaterina Mathilde. (ee-zah-LEEN) Before Jacob died I was really trying to crack down on naming these babies, I gave him the Meilleurs Prenoms book and told him to make a list of his top 10 favourite girls names. When I found the list after he died it looked like this:
FAV. GIRLS NAMES
1. Ysaline
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
So, she was named by him.
Before Jacob died, we had been trying to find out about his European family that he had no information about. We came across this lady, named Zosia Ekaterina. After he died I uncovered more info about her. She was a relative of Jacob's that housed people during the Holocaust, not just Jews, but gypsies, and homosexuals, and anyone that the Nazis were after. Katia, as she was called, was a savior. Just like my little girl is my savior. So, there was nothing else to name her. Mathilde is for my beautiful Maman. Her Hebrew name is Erela Ahuviah ("angel" and "loved by God").
Baby C became Avelaine Shirin Anahira (shih-REEN). Avelaine was suggested by my mother before she died. It also means "nut" and Lainey has always been my little peanut. Shirin is for my grandmother, and Anahira is a Maori name meaning "angel" which can honor both auntie Angélique and Daddy.
I plan on her Hebrew name being Aviva Zlata. Aviva means life, which i hope with every fiber of my being that she can hang on to.
Words can't express how much I love my children and how much they inspire me. They are such fighters and they are my heroes! I miss Ysa so much but I feel as if she is in a better place with her Daddy.
Today is a brand new day.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
a birth story
So, pretty much all day the 12th i was contracting, but nothing to severe. I figured once it became painful I would go into the hospital. At 2 am I went to bed after going on the internet. At 5 am I awoke with a start. And I hurt, badly. I waddled to the kitchen where Giovanna was, and she just stared at me, dumbstruck. I noticed that my pants were wet. Did I pee myself or did my water break? I wasn't sure. I went to the bathroom and saw that the fluid was pinkish. I knew my water had broken. The babies were coming. The bed rest wasn't enough to prevent them from wanting to get out. I called my doctor and Giovanna helped me change clothes and get my suitcase and head out the door. On the way there we called my father and sister and grandparents. At the hospital the doctor hooked me up to all of my machines and told me that the babies were under severe stress. with the water already broken there was a high risk for an infection. they had no choice, the babies had to be born. i just couldn't do anything but put my head back and let Giovanna wipe away my tears. I was rolled into the operating room, just me, myself, and I. I thought that I wanted Giovanna to be there with me, but last minute I realized that I could do this on my own. I had the strength to see my children be born and experience the miracle of life, the miracle of my children's birth, however scary it may be.
One by one I heard the doctor call out their genders and the time they were born. First, a boy, born exactly an hour from when i had woken up. Next, a girl, and lastly, another girl, identical to the previous one. All alive, but all very sick.
When I FINALLY got to see them i went numb. I didn't cry. I loved them more than anything. And yet I knew that if they made it, it would have to have been a miracle, because they are just SO small and they have too many machines hooked up to them. All I want to do is be with them, but I can't because of how sick they are.
I love them all SO much. But I feel so sick in my heart. All i'm left to do is stay in the hospital and try to recover from the c-section. But I just wish I could be there for them.
Nothing severe has happened yet, no collapsed lungs or anything. Hopefully it stays that way. Please pray for them though, they're all i have left.
One by one I heard the doctor call out their genders and the time they were born. First, a boy, born exactly an hour from when i had woken up. Next, a girl, and lastly, another girl, identical to the previous one. All alive, but all very sick.
When I FINALLY got to see them i went numb. I didn't cry. I loved them more than anything. And yet I knew that if they made it, it would have to have been a miracle, because they are just SO small and they have too many machines hooked up to them. All I want to do is be with them, but I can't because of how sick they are.
I love them all SO much. But I feel so sick in my heart. All i'm left to do is stay in the hospital and try to recover from the c-section. But I just wish I could be there for them.
Nothing severe has happened yet, no collapsed lungs or anything. Hopefully it stays that way. Please pray for them though, they're all i have left.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
life has meaning now.
No longer am I just Amélie, now I am Maman.
Happy Birthday, babies. If only you knew how much I love you.
i'll write a birth story later.
Happy Birthday, babies. If only you knew how much I love you.
i'll write a birth story later.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
dear babies
Please stay in me for as long as you can. i wish you're little bodies would realize that this could be our only time together. I'm crying right now, just because I can feel six little feet going at me and i'm so afraid that i won't get to play with all six of your feet when you're born.
So please, do as your mother says, stay in till at least October. And I love you, no matter how this situation turns out, you're everything in the world to me.
So please, do as your mother says, stay in till at least October. And I love you, no matter how this situation turns out, you're everything in the world to me.
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