but it's not so much the physical stuff as it is the emotional stuff. a lot of people don't understand why i would want three boys, even though they know my situation. if i had a girl, it would be like me just reliving what i'm missing out on with my other daughter. doing her hair, going shopping with her, those are all things i was supposed to have done already! i know i'll probably be tested and will end up having three girls, but i don't know...i'd be lying if i didn't say it would be hard for me. i know i'm just selfish, but meh, can't i be just until they arrive? until you've been through an adoption, especially a closed one, you just can't really understand what it's like. this pregnancy makes me keep thinking "maybe i could've done it..." but i know in reality i couldn't have...okay, maybe i could have. but would it really have been the best thing for her?
Saturday, March 27, 2010
i'll probably be blogging a lot lately
just 'cause i have to VENT! i was finally able to sleep last night, and i slept gooooood. at the synagogue today i talked to a lady who is a obgyn and she was saying how since i'm tiny and i'll have three babies shoved up me i'll probably end up having a c-section pretty early and will probably have to be on bedrest for some time too. fun stuff. also, my boobs have gotten bigger, which fails because it's making my back ache worse. ugh.
but it's not so much the physical stuff as it is the emotional stuff. a lot of people don't understand why i would want three boys, even though they know my situation. if i had a girl, it would be like me just reliving what i'm missing out on with my other daughter. doing her hair, going shopping with her, those are all things i was supposed to have done already! i know i'll probably be tested and will end up having three girls, but i don't know...i'd be lying if i didn't say it would be hard for me. i know i'm just selfish, but meh, can't i be just until they arrive? until you've been through an adoption, especially a closed one, you just can't really understand what it's like. this pregnancy makes me keep thinking "maybe i could've done it..." but i know in reality i couldn't have...okay, maybe i could have. but would it really have been the best thing for her? all she needs is love after all, and i could have given it to her. she deserves what she is getting right now. but i can imagine us walking down the street, hand in hand, her precious black curls matching mine. i bet she has the perfect life, one i couldn't have given her. i wonder what she'd think of having three new siblings. ohhhh i'm hurting.
but it's not so much the physical stuff as it is the emotional stuff. a lot of people don't understand why i would want three boys, even though they know my situation. if i had a girl, it would be like me just reliving what i'm missing out on with my other daughter. doing her hair, going shopping with her, those are all things i was supposed to have done already! i know i'll probably be tested and will end up having three girls, but i don't know...i'd be lying if i didn't say it would be hard for me. i know i'm just selfish, but meh, can't i be just until they arrive? until you've been through an adoption, especially a closed one, you just can't really understand what it's like. this pregnancy makes me keep thinking "maybe i could've done it..." but i know in reality i couldn't have...okay, maybe i could have. but would it really have been the best thing for her?
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Je suis désolé, c'est dur parce que je ne sais pas quoi vous dire. Continuez à rester forte, et je serai y pour vous lorsque vous n'avez pas quiconque se tourner vers ! Vous pouvez le faire, je sais que vous le pouvez. ne pas douter de ce que vous avez fait était la bonne chose, car il était. Crois-moi.
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