A big blog.

Well, i've been pretty busy for awhile. Jacob got to experience his first Passover, and my grandmother felt bad for him for missing his family on a holiday such as Easter so she gave him a special Easter present, haha, i thought it was cute.

Then I went to the country with my mother which was soo relaxing and stress relieving. which was good because when i got back i had to do a ton of school work. but now i'm caught up so woopawoopawoopa.

i also had lunch one day with my Disney girls. haven't seen them in sooo long! It was a big princess reunion, haha. I can't wait to take my kids to Disneyland.

The other day was interesting. insightful. closure. i don't know what to call it.

During Jacob's class I was walking Louise through this nice little residential area. We stopped at the park because i was tired. I noticed a familiar face a few park benches down. He looked down my way and gave kind of a double take, then got up to sit by me. who was it? julien. i've seen him a round a bit, but not for a really long time and it's the first time he's ever tried to make a conversation with me. usually when i see him it's an awkward hello, how is your family, good, see you around. But he actually looked HAPPY to see me, which i hadn't seen for a really, really, really long time. it was kind of weird for a minute there...he said hi, and i said hi, and we just sort of sat there until i asked how everything was, and he said really well, that he had been sober for almost a year. and i could tell, he looked really great and so healthy, and happy even. i filled him in about getting married and being pregnant, and it felt like old times when there was no pressure, just good conversation. he's been dating a girl for a couple of months and he is going to start going to school but in the meantime is doing some art stuff. i'm proud of him.

but the conversation turned to a place i didn't expect it to. he said that when he was in avignon a couple of years ago, he saw a little girl that looked just like me. granted, who knows what sorts of drugs he was on back then. but it made my heart stop a bit. but then he laughed and said he also saw her in belgium and geneva and lyon too. he said that she was the reason he got sober, because he didn't want to meet her one day and see her disappointed in a failure of a biological father. i think i almost started crying when at one point he said, "Man, do you ever just lay up at night and think about what she's doing?" oh, every night i told him. when it was about time to go he gave me a little hug and said that we should really keep in touch.

even though what julien did to me was terrible, i've long forgiven him. it wasn't his fault, it was just a cycle of abuse that continued through him. i believe he's changed. heck, he wasn't even the same person i knew before. the truth is i know he loves like i love, and just to hear him mention her confirmed it. we share a bond that is unlike any other. it's a weird bond. sometimes i hate him. sometimes i love him. sometimes i really just wish he never came into my life. but we both know the pain of losing a daughter. that's enough for me.

is it just me or do i talk about this a lot? geez. you must all be bored. well sorry. but now that i'm feeling that chapter in my life is closing, i feel as if i can move on and keep her in my heart forever, it's a good feeling.

everyone that finds out that i'm pregnant asks "OH MY GOSH IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL!" i'm thinking i want to be surprised. that would be nice. unless something random happens i intend this to be my only pregnancy, and wouldn't it be the coolest thing to get a surprise like that? i'll probably know at my next ultrasound how many placentas i have, meaning if i have two then i'll have two identical one fraternal ect. oh, i discovered that i've gained seven pounds (a pound per week!) and i'm starting to get some whitish stretch marks on my butt. lovely. i'll stop the rambling now, haha, hope your holidays were nice.

oh, i got my hair cut while we were in the country..likey?




short hair is much more manageable. my hair looks ridiculously light in this picture! they used a light reflection spray to "bring out my natural highlights." i wonder when it'll go away. oh, and i was not driving at this time. ha.